قائمة جهل

رغم علاقاتي القائمة على الإحترام ورغم تمسكي بمفهوم العقل المتفتح، ورغم خوضي في نقاشات عديدة انتهت بصدر رحب بجملة اتفقنا أن لا نتفق.

اليوم أدركت أن عقلي قد أبعد البعض لدائرة مغلقة وحكم عليهم بالخطأ، و أني أضيف لهذه القائمة كل يوم اسم جديد..

لستُ ملاكاً. 

عندما اختلف مع الآخرين قد يكون الإختلاف شاسع لدرجة إنهاء الحديث بما يسرهم وإيماني بخطأهم.

لكن اليوم أدركت بعدما عرفت أن عدد الأسماء كثير وفي تزايد ، وأدركت أني رغم تسامحي وإستيعابي لمنطق الغير او المحاولة على الأقل، أٓصِل للثقة بأن من أمامي مريض أو مختل و الجنون يتحكم بهذه العقلية وليس المنطق!

الآن بعد إدراكي لا أزال أؤمن باختلاف الآراء..

لذا لم أعد افهم هل قائمتي الطويلة هم المجانين؟ أم أنا المجنونة لاختلافي عن كل هؤلاء و إستمرار إيماني ..؟

Fading painfully

This could be the hardest thing anyone can face.

Seeing your superhero crumble, watching your ultimate role model fade..

You always knew it's coming, and you have always ignored it, and it's not because you're weak.

It is definitely the hardest thing.. It's impossible to accept.

Until it starts..

You are denying.. Until it's worse and you can't deny it anymore..

The strongest person you know! The source of every power you have is now weak and getting weaker every day.

And it hurts to another depth, it grabs your weakest emotions and it will never let go! You will not scream or fall you will look your strongest and you will endure it silently hoping it will pass and knowing it's coming back..

My superheroes are losing their magic and now it's my turn to give them the power.. I've seen it coming but I'm not ready and I will never be.

Now it is MY TURN and I will do it no matter how painful or how hard it is.

I will do it. Not only because I'm supposed to, but because this is the chance I can prove how strong and how powerful I am.

And no matter how much it hurts I will try and give back.

S.Me thinking..

All of you vs. a part of me

Sme.thinking

Strongly weak

I still need that someone in my life
someone who's ok to break in front of and to shatter
someone who has the ability to always say and do the right thing when I need it,
someone who can see the beauty of the depth no matter how ugly it appears on surface.


I miss having someone who I can tell stuff that I can't even tell myself,
that I can't even remember!
I want someone that i can remember their words about my f*cked up deeds that I vaguely remember.


I NEED TO BE SELFISH AROUND ONE PERSON
to be mean to be lazy to have a f*cked up life and f*cked up relations and don't worry about looking weak in front of them!
I want someone to grief in front of without making them uncomfortable
I want to break to scream and let it all go, to shatter all over the place.


I used to have that someone, now they're no longer here
and it's so hard to keep it all to myself!
and it's harder to grief about losing them alone
tried to talk and tried to break tried to let it loose and to show my weakness but i couldn't
I AM TOO WEAK TO SHOW MY WEAKNESS

oh what I would do to just go by her house and find her there waiting for me to talk it out,
what I would give for a phone call where I hear her voice telling me what I did wrong and why I should stop,
I would do it all for a text saying:  i miss you too.


I am strong.
S.Me Thinking..

صديقة من الجنة "ان شاء الله"

قلبي يتفجر حزنا

ألامي تكتمني وعيني تدمع تنفيسا

اغمضها فاراك وارى ايامنا السابقة

افتحها فارى بيتك واماكن تجمعنا واسمع ضحكاتنا وهمساتنا ولا اراك

انا من تقربت منك ولم اعلم بأن نهايتنا الدنيويه سريعة

انا من تقربت ورفضتني انا من تقربت وابعدتني

كنت لا تحبين الناس ولا تحبين الصداقات القريبة

تكتفين بالسلام من بعيد ولا تودين التقرب من احد غير من كانوا قريبين

حتى تقربت منك رغما عنك وقبلتني مرغومه

اصبحت جزءا مني وانا جزء منك

كنت اول من تدعينه لمنزلك واول من ترى اخوتك

احببتك واحببتهن وارغمتهن على حبي كما ارغمتك

لم اعلم ولو علمت لما تقربت

لما تمنيت هذا الألم لي ولمن احبوك

اذكر كلامك الطيب لي.. لم يرضي غروري غيرك

يعجبك شكلي وقولي وحتى احساسي

تحترمين رأيي وتذكرينني دائما باني غاليه وبأنك تحبينني أكثر من كل صديقاتك

انت الصديقة المثلى.. لكن لا شيء يدوم في هذه الدنيا

اذكر زيارتنا للطبيب بعد أن أصريتي ان اعالج قدمي واذكر امساكك ليدي واذكر رأسي على صدرك

اذكر اني عدت معك للبيت ولم تتوقفي عن الضحك علي وعلى قدمي الملفوفه

واذكر كيف اخبرت اخواتك بطريقة وضعي لقدمي امام الطبيب

كل شيء اضحكك

واحببت ضحكتك احببتها واشتقت لها

اراد ربي أن لا اراك اخر ثلاثة أشهر

ولو رأيتك لما استطعت الوقوف اليوم

أراد ربي ان لا اتكلم معك حوال الشهر

ولو تكلمت معك يومها لما استطعت التعقل

مشتاقه ويزداد اشتياقي

كل ما اذكره جميل وطاهر

حتى شقاوتنا كانت مضحكه لك

اعترف اني قلت كلمتي يومها ولم استطع تصحيحها معك

وارجو من الواحد ان يسامحني

كل ما اريده هو ان اجتمع معك مره اخرى ولو في الحلم

ان اطمئن على حبيبتي وقطعة قلبي

كنت اغليك وكنت انا "الغالية"

هل تعلمين ان كل من كانوا حولك يعرفونني؟

رأيتهم جميعا يبكون فراقك

عندما يروني يحضنونني شوقا لك

ولو علموا ألمي لصمتوا جميعا

ذهبت اليوم لمكان مشينا خلف المنزل عندما يلعب اخيك بالدراجة ونذهب معه

رأيتنا واحسست باصابعك بين اصابعي

وددت أن أعود لذلك اليوم لأقبل جبينك واحضنك يا صديقتي

جمعني الله بك في جنانه

عندما علمت.. شكرت الرحمن أن لم يذوقك مرارة فقد اخوتك

فذهبتي معهم مع من تحبين ولست وحيده

وتركتنا.. لسنا وحيدين لكن مشتاقين

ومن لا يشتاق لطهارة ذاك القلب وللضحكة الرنانه

من لا يشتاق لاخيك الصغير ولعبه امامنا ونحن نحكي..

لم أرى أرق منك تعاملا مع اخيها ولم أرى أخوة أقوى من أخوتك مع الاخر

وفهمتيهم جميعا وعلمتني كيف التعامل معهم

ولم تعلمين انك ستذهبين مع اخوتك وتتركينني مع البقية لاتعامل انا معهم

كانت صديقتك الاخرى هناك.. تلك التي قد دعوتها بالملاك من قبل.. فعلا انها ملاك

كانت عونا للجميع ، حاولت استجماع طاقتي لاماثل فعلها لكن فقدك عظيم

والحمدلله على كل حال جعله الله مغفرة وأجرا

كلنا صابرين وننتظر يوم لقياكم

أود لقياك يا صديقتي أود أن أراك ولو في الحلم

اللهم اكتب لنا حسن الخاتمه ولا تأخذنا الا وانت راض عنا

اذكرك بكل خير

وادعوا الله ان يغفر لك ماتقدم...

وأن يتوب علي ليجمعني بك في الجنه

Dreams

A year has passed .. we grew up a little more.. and our dreams are still hanging from the stars.

Everything can be achieved if you push it hard enough, and everything can be done if you keep on trying!

I can do it and so can you, let's promise our selves that at the end of 2014 we'll be at least one step closer to our dreams!

Here's my personal guide to get there:

"Let's do this:

Google your way to it, ask for help, give back by helping others.

Got the right path?

now write it step by step, follow the steps, reach your goal."

It's not hard it's just an "action plan" that can get you to the stars.

You might think that is just some sparkly motivational talk,

but believe me, read it through and you'll find your way to get there.

Happy new year!

PS: I'll share my knowledge if you need it.

S.Me Thinking.

Words can kill...

A feeling...
Sending or receiving any kind of human waves will give a feeling..

I just received the worst feeling. It's that kind you receive from someone you love so much that any little detail can hurt you, It was the simplest comment on a story I told.

Latterly it "felt" like there's hands that pushed my chest cage closer to my heart, as if the body that contains me is getting tighter...

Although I'm sure that I must've given someone this kind of feeling, I can't recall it.. Maybe I didn't even notice in the first place!

I'm sorry if I ever hurt you , I'll try not to do it again!
But please be careful what you say.. Some ppl will show you how strong they are!! but they'll never show their soft and sensitive side...


S.Me
Plz leave a comment..

crashing the wall

sometimes I feel like no one is able to hear ME ... I speak and speak and speak to get absolutely nothing back! as if I'M saying gibberish or nothing to be understood

I've been asked alot of Questions where no matter what I answer, the Question will be repeated again and again as if they didn't hear ME...

I'M starting to lose hope in my voice.. i'm starting to lose hope in my beliefs ... just do what you wanna do to me, make me your toy if you want ... i don't have the energy to continue trying to make you hear me

i can feel the invisible wall shutting my voice shutting my thoughts i can't communicate anymore all i want right now is to scream with my loudest voice to break it out and be free .. be heard!


Confession:

i've screamed and shouted and i'm not proud about it but you have no idea how being not heard makes you CRAAZY MAD!!!



**if you're still reading , thank you
share your thoughts with me...

My Darkest secret

have you ever felt like you wanna scream but someone is stopping you?
i have a similar feeling to that.. it's just exactly the opposite .. it's me the one who's stopping my scream
i can't stay quite
i can't handle this secret
i can't carry on with a black hole in my head that i can't see through it...

i'm screaming ... i'm screaming but you can't hear me
no one can
i'm holding my scream with my own hand
sometime i can't breath anymore ..
i feel .. i'm feeling it
the hole in my life the misunderstanding ... the CHOICE of silence

it's hard to say it but it's harder to keep it to my self
it has been there for so long that sometime's i forget what is this pain

i am in a dark place .. a lonely creature screaming so quietly, hiding in the shadows.
i wanna come out of here.. get me out of here

if you're here to know the secret don't give up.. you'll find it, it's all over me.

now tell me what is yours?
still reading? thanx..

S.Me

the warmth in you

sometime we refer to someone as a cold or a warm person.. and it has nothing to do with their actual temperature ..

what made me think of it is that cold weather makes you more of a warm person, you start to like hugging your friends and love ones more, and you like the fuzzy feeling of that huge hoodie you got!

you like setting next to the fireplace or the heater and you like the clumsiness of that person next to you trying to warm their feet .. and you definitely like the feeling of that warm french latte cup in your cold hands and the sensual smell of it...

cold weather makes you layer your clothes and wear hats and scarves, sometimes you look like a little kid.. you become that adorable fuzzy thing seeking for warmth.. and i'm telling you you're getting it...

 for me.. i hate winter cause i'm a S.A.D person "seasonal affective disorder" and that season happen to be the cold one! but there is other ways of comforting me in that season... and to get my inner warmth out there...

even though hot weather makes you more of a lose fun person , nothing like when everything out there looks so cold but feels so warm with the closeness of a warm chat with friends over a cup of coffee in a little place ...

if you're still reading.. thank you

S.Me

Why i love birthdays

I F* HATE my BIRTHDAY!!!
i love it when it's someone else's birthday where i get to plan everything and all the shit their gonna get like the cake the timing oh and the surprise how crazy i get just thinking of surprising someone..

then again i specially hate it when someone surprises me, i hate all the drama before the surprise where they try to get your hopes down, sometimes it works that i actually don't wanna do anything on my BD anymore.. then sometimes i just know what their trying to do and it ruins it for them so i just have to act all birthDAY long! one year i even planed my self the whole party so no one would have the chance to surprise me!

although this year.. i just had a birthday, and it went all amazing! i have no idea why it doesn't happen like this every year.. where no hopes were crashed or acting required ! i just went out with friends no surprises attached i know they know it's just a birthday... then when i got there i was surprised that ALL my "close" friends were there and there was a customized cake .. in a place i picked and ppl i love! see? that's a surprise without the "shittiness".

yes i'm 21 and i started this year with a very successful day.. i guess i can handle the rest of it

if you're still reading... thank you
S.me